Ma ki Seekh! – A mother’s Teachings

I know this article is coming very late. It should have been delivered a few months back. However, my anger has not subsided  yet.

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I wanted to write about it especially when #internationalwomensday is being celebrated all over the world. You will agree with me that it is always the mother who shapes up the thoughts and action of a child. The first lesson a child gets is from his/her mother. She might teach her child by telling stories, assigning them duties, punishing them, helping them , mentoring them. So throughout our life at any one point of time we do remember her teachings and thank her for that. That’s the role mother play in our lives.

So I consider myself fortunate that my Ma taught me to be independent in thoughts, choice, opinions, finance, decisions just about everything I can think of at this moment. She had never questioned my abilities of decision making and taking its responsibility too. I might be correct or I might be wrong. But whatever the result, I know it’s mine and Ma had always been proud of me.

However, I have come across many girls and women who are not fortunate like me. They are dependent. Dependent on their folk be it father, husband, brother, friend or just about anybody else who influence their life in their thoughts, choice, opinions, finance, decisions just about everything I can think of at this moment. So it won’t come as a surprise to me if this article that I am writing after really getting furious, thoughtful and compassionate, won’t ever reach the people for whom I am writing this. Probably because they  don’t use internet, they don’t read blogs, they don’t discuss topics like this or maybe it is not important for them at all.

Imagine a scenario. A girl in her teens getting ready to go out with her female friend. Maybe to tuition classes, birthday party, mall or just about anywhere where SHE IS ALLOWED TO GO AT THAT TIME OF THE DAY. Her mother’s words would be one of these, where are you going, this is not appropriate dressing, with whom are you going, come home in time. This I think every mother does to her daughter and there is nothing bad about it. For the sons the question set will be a little different or none at all. Anyways I won’t doubt a mother’s advice or questions to her child.

My article relates to a different scenario. A daughter experiencing her first menstruation cycle or maybe it is one of her best friend who is experiencing it for the first time. This is definitely a topic of discussion among the teenagers. It could be frightening sometimes like – I was leaking in the classroom or I stained my bed or I am not feeling well. For a girl who is new to this or hasn’t still gone through this phase yet is sure to have nightmares. I had too.

One of my classmate was married off suddenly. Well not really. It was a ritual which they were celebrating when the daughter bleeds for the first time. The  ritual is almost like a marriage ceremony when all the relatives and friends are invited and bring gifts for the girl. The girl is dressed like a bride minus there is no bridegroom. She is confined to her room all the days of her first bleeding and none of the male member including her father is allowed to see her.

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We were too young to understand all this and believed she was married off until she returned to the school after few days, a little embarrassed. She didn’t hide anything from us but what we understood from her tale was terrifying, for me at least. And then one day it happened to me. I started crying thinking something was wrong with me. As a dutiful mother my Ma answered, ”It’s okay! You are an woman now. ” Between the sobs I did ask her “Then what was I before?” She said, “You will understand when you grow up. Period.” That was her way of educating me about the most important phenomenon of my life . I don’t blame her because she too had learned the same way, when she grew up.

Like her there are lots of mothers who may have given more or less similar answers to their daughter’s query. I have come across women who are pretty confused as in how to address their teenage children regarding sex education. But why should I only bracket mothers here, it should be parents as a whole. Most of the parents shy off or shoo off or divert the questions of their teenage children regarding sex education. They leave it to the mercy of school or text books to educate their child regarding this topic or maybe in the hands of time.

In most school syllabus, Biology subject has chapters with elaborate understanding of human organs and its function. There is chapter on human genital parts and its function too. However, this chapter is mostly skipped in the classroom discussion due to our mental inhibition maybe. We are just not comfortable discussing it in the open. However, that does not stop the curiosity. In the absence of proper education these teenagers now either turn to internet or friends which unleashes a different zone all together. The world of half knowledge or fun and pleasure. So the most important education in a child’s life that is sex education is not taught at all but left at the hands of life’s experience or half knowledge.

From here I will go back to the girls. Those girls who are not allowed to make a choice. Turn eighteen they are pushed off to marriage. Mind it they have no knowledge of the most important education of their life and they are about to start a new chapter in their life. Here comes the Ma ki seekh again, mother’s teachings. “Be good to your mother-in-law, respect all the elders and  give affection to all the young ones in your sasural, in-laws place, your man is everything to you now, always keep him happy. Don’t ever, do anything in your sasural that will bring bad name to your parental home.” Finally the innocent, young, sanskari, virtue, girl is off to her sasural amid vidai, a tearful journey of leaving her parental home.

So now what. Does she know anything about contraceptives or how to use it? How can she, she had never asked anyone before nor had anybody told her about it. Neither can she ever question her husband who himself may be in the same bandwagon as her. He is sankari too you see. So being a good wife she conceives within a month or two. Great celebration time! In our part of the world the next nine months people will ecstatically wait for the newborn to be a boy. What if it is not? That is a separate section altogether. So our good girl who is not even twenty years of age mothers her first child. And just like her mother, she will rephrase the lines to raise her child.

This scenario is not confined to the people of lower strata only. Educated from well to do families also have cases  like this. But what if she was given sex education and all the information relating to it. She could have had a choice of actually parenting a baby according to her comfort level. At least a girl should be given this choice whether she wants to be a mother now or later because not just physically she has to prepare herself mentally also to raise a healthy baby. At least she should have a right to it.

But who will educate her of her right to motherhood or her choice. Her mother who had been her driving force behind all her thoughts? Her friends with whom she had shared so many secrets? Her teacher?

Sex education is also any child’s right and I feel it is first a mother’s duty to educate her growing child. Now how she can teach? She has  to be bold enough to answer all the question her child might think of pertaining to that subject. If need be she should direct her child towards the right source from where the child can get complete knowledge about the subject. It should not be a taboo. It is a RIGHT

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How to write my First Novel? – Part of Blog Chatter Writing Festival

How to write my first novel?

It’s a question I have been asked many times before. So here is my answer.

Nobody can teach you how to write a novel. I repeat my words. Nobody can teach you how to write a novel. IT’S ONLY YOU.

Yes, you heard me correct. Only you can teach yourself to write a novel. The reason because writing a novel is all about dedication and discipline and frankly, nobody can teach you that. It comes from within. However, many can motivate you to write or even inspire you. But the ultimate fire has to be within you. That’s the first step towards writing your first novel.

I have come across many of my friends and acquaintance who tell me they have this plot in their head that would make the next best sellers. But alas! They don’t know how to put it on pen and paper. Sometimes they even approach me if I could listen to them and plot it in one of my stories.

I am so glad you said that dear. But it’s not the plot I am excited about but the character in your mind that is giving you restless nights. Of course, it wants to see the light of the day. Give it a chance.

This is the FIRE that you shouldn’t extinguish in any way. This is what is going to lead you to your bestseller one day.

When you have something in your mind, no matter how rough it maybe, put it down on the paper, laptop, notepad or just wherever you want to scribble. Just make sure you return back to it soon enough.

This is how you keep it ignited.

When you return to what you have written at that point of time it might look very absurd to you or maybe it is not up to the mark what you actually wanted it to be. That’s perfectly FINE. Don’t tear it off or destroy it. It should be there to stay along with much more to come.

Exactly. You heard me right. Make a new one. Add all the changes you want to make. Put it the way you want it to be. Add a few more changes here and there. That’s it. You can see something taking shape now. Maybe it’s too early to say whether it’s the beginning, middle or the end of your novel but it definitely is something very important to your story which has touched you so much that you had taken so much effort to pen down your thoughts.

So enjoy the beginning of your novel writing. Don’t worry about where it is leading to. Let it be. As a creator, you just follow the sequence that comes next. Just make sure you spend once every day with your plot. Even if you write the same thing again and again. No problem. It is coming out better. At the back of your mind, it is working out a good plot. So make sure you follow the discipline of writing your first novel. With discipline and dedication, you shall draft your first novel one day.

Oh! So one fine day you find out you don’t have anything else to write. But what’s going to happen to the novel you just started? Come on it’s going to be your first goddamn novel. It can’t end in just a few paragraphs. Gosh!

Don’t get anxious. Be happy. You are just entering the metamorphosis of a writer – The writer’s block. So your muse is gone, you have no clue what’s going on, you cannot write anything. Nothing is coming to your mind.

Just relax!

It’s a phase all writers come across. You should celebrate this moment because now you are showing the indication of being one of them. Go shopping, watch movies, read books. Do everything that you enjoy to do. Just let the anxiety of writing your first novel get dissolved in your merry time. Don’t be afraid if it takes a few days or weeks.

Now when everything seems so good, return back to your novel. You will find all new things ready to be added to it. So start writing. Don’t worry about the punctuations or grammar at this point. You will get lots of time for edits. First concentrate on finishing the first draft of your first novel.

The day you finish it, give a treat to self. A good treat. For now, you are just at the beginning of actually writing your novel.

Leave your draft unattended for some time. Let it settle down. You will see your pangs to shout it to the world about it. No harm in that. But just don’t push the publish button without polishing your craft.

So here comes your first round, second round and third round of self-edit before you send it to a professional editor and get it properly edited.

Read more here

‘Start marketing your book way before it is published,’ says author Paromita Goswami

The following post first appeared in

http://www.tbcblogtours.com/2017/05/start-marketing-your-book-way-before-it.html

What are the challenges of a debutante author in marketing their first book? And how to overcome them?
Okay, so you wrote a book. Congratulations! The hours of sitting and plotting out your novel, the sleepless nights with your character’s conflict and the tons of times your family and friends might have looked at you with disapproval are finally going to vanish with the new book baby in your hands. There is no doubt that your family and friends will be the first one to shout on top of their voice that we have a new author in the rising. You will be more excited when your book’s sales start rolling in and your book ranking is pacing fast towards the bestseller chart. Wow! You made it. Yahoo!
Is this what actually happens? I am afraid to say no. We all would love to see it happen that way but
it just won’t happen on its own. It will last as long as you have the support of your friends and family. And after the first month, the sales will come down drastically. And then you have to look out for the genuine readers for your book. And that’s when marketing your book comes in. Like all the other products, that you see in the market, your book needs advertising too. Now, what would be the probable challenges you could face as a debutante author in marketing your first book? This is what we are going to discuss today.
The first challenge is visibility. As they say, “Show to sell”. So make your book visible in all goddamn places one could reach. Of course, offline it won’t be possible, but yes through online promotions it can be possible. Luckily, there are many agencies that offer both offline and online promotions these days. That also calls for the good amount of investment. Moreover, you also have to check out the credential of the agency before investing, otherwise you may end up paying to bogus companies.
Second is getting reviews. Today majority of buyers check out the reviews before purchasing a product and that is applicable to books as well. If you are a debutant then getting a good reviewer is also a big challenge. Mind it when I say good reviewer it means someone who has a good fan following and whose reviews turn into sales. Definitely, you will come across many people who claim to be a reviewer, but know nothing about the art of writing a good review. A review should not be just the synopsis of your book and a rating on a scale of five, it should also be able to show how
different your book is why it should be picked up to read. You should try to get reviews before your book is out in the market so that you have good things to talk about your book in the market. Give out ARC copies to reputed reviewers way in advance.
The third is doing book events across major Indian cities. It is a trend now that an author usually does book tours. The major problem is getting a viewer for the book launch or book reading in a different city other than yours. Sum it up as how many people you know in that city and out of those how many would turn up for your book show and out of them how many will pick up your book. A debutante’s first book may not have that pull. So it is better to tie up with an established author or book club in that city and then do your book tour. This way you will surely connect with some genuine book lovers in that city and create a base for your upcoming books.

 

 

From The Pages of my Old Diary

There was a time when I use to do micro poetry. But over the years many things have changed. Tomorrow is Bengali New Year’s Day and on the occasion a small event is being conducted by our community. Each one of us have been asked to say few words from their old diary. This is mine which is dated 20.3.1998 in the page of my diary.

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I have never before typed in Hindi. I am pretty familiar with the language but with pen and paper. This is my first attempt on computer so pardon me because I don’t know how to type the words.

And I came across the king…

Isn’t it strange? I have been watching his movies chewing my nails with my eyes rolling around most of the time to see if there was anyone standing right behind me. Gosh! Scary horror movies have always been my favorite time pass during my school summer vacation. Not that I knew about many English directors or Hollywood actors but they had this thrill in their horror movies which I always found missing in our Bollywood movies. Even the famous  Zee TV show of Ramsay Production didn’t excite as did most of the Hollywood horror movies.

I am more of a visual person and hence what I have seen once in safely saved in my memory. And one such memory is of Pet Sematary. It was the story of a family that had shifted to a new home and just when you thought everything was going perfect all hell broke loose. For weeks I was so disturbed by the movie that I could hardly sleep at night. Even strange was I had picked up the movie just by its title. I had no idea about the actors or director of the movie. It was only the title that drew my attention. Those were the days when we use to watch videos in VCP in our bedroom with all the curtains of the windows drawn in to darken the room when it was broad daylight outside. Most of the times it was me and my sisters insanely staring at the TV screen to see what would be the next scene. A slight knock on the door would startle us like anything and nights use to scare the hell of us.

Today after so many decades, I watched a movie trailer on Facebook that was shared by one of my friends. It was of the upcoming movie “IT” written by Stephen King, The king of horror. I have never read Stephen King but today the trailer made me fall in love with his work. He is a terrific storyteller. And then my search for his other work started  on the internet. I came across Pet Sematary and I remembered how it had left me frightened for weeks. So I may not have read his books but his movies did keep me hitched. Like this time it was the trailer of IT.

I am trying my hands on supernatural, paranormal this time. And sincerely hope that I may  incite similar feelings in my reader with my work. Wish me good luck!

 

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A still from the movie Pet Sematary

Why HOLI Me…?

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I don’t think I know of any other Indian festival where you buy something actually for others. India has so many festivals throughout the year that it makes every seasons enjoyable. (We have festivals in every season and if there isn’t one then birthdays and anniversaries make it up). So on every occasion we purchase something or the other and that too only for our own use. New clothes, sweets, home furnishings, home decor almost everything you can think of anything that is usually purchased during the festivals is entirely for personal use. In other words, you can celebrate the festival without a community too. Of course if you have a community then it is fun however, in the absence of it also you can celebrate it in your own way.

For example, on Diwali you can decorate your house with oil lamps, candles and electric lights, Christmas too you can decorate the Christmas tree in your house and but presents for your family. Or even during Durga Puja you purchase new clothes and visit the pandals with your family. In general talk about any festival you can celebrate with your family members only.

Whereas on HOLI you buy colors, pichkari, thandai and all the other accessories for other’s use. You cannot celebrate it alone with your family members. You need a community to celebrate this festival and that too spend your money to buy things for others. So in actual terms, HOLI is the ultimate community festival and that is the only reason I love it more.

 

 

Let’s celebrate womanhood together!

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The woman you love most in your life

Is there something special about being a woman?

If there is then lets celebrate womanhood together. This a blank canvas and whatever thoughts you share with me I shall put it here along with your twitter handle and will RT till 7.03.2017. On the due day that is 8th March the final canvas will be uploaded with hues and color of womanhood.

To participate all you have to do is type your thoughts and RT@authorparomita. Just make sure your words are max 10 only.

And this is what I got

 

 

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Holla All!!

So still catching up on the valentine day blues. Don’t worry. Just enjoy a bit more.

I had a very different notion of The Day of Love from my son D. A preteen that he is, sometimes his actions give me hiccups. Lately when he was so impressed by the Flying Jatt Akka Tiger Shroff that D started imitating him. He would stand in front of the mirror for hours to make his hair style or watch his dance moves. I was so irritated sometimes.

D even made sure that his friends both at school and at home acknowledge him by that name. And there was no stopping for him. His hair was already touching his shoulders when I had to literally pull him into the salon for a decent hair cut. All the while as the man worked on his scissors D’s tears never stopped rolling down his cheeks. In the mirror, he was looking into my eyes and spitting venom for bringing this into him. I had to beg everybody in the salon to praise my son’s new look. And thankfully they did as long as we stayed there. That did pacify D a little. And on our way back home walking I coaxed few more of his friends to praise him. Finally when we reached home and he stood in front of the mirror to check upon his new look, the crew cut. It took him weeks to fall in love with his hair style again.

I mentioned the above incident to show how children grow up sooner now a days. At his age few decades back we were pretty dumb to understand what was Valentine’s Day. But today’s generation know it. THE DAY OF LOVE is pretty well observed by them. Fair enough!

So I watched D board the school bus. He had taken little bit more effort to get dressed that morning. Lately, he had been asking questions about girls and females. So I had no doubts that my son was going to school on a mission.

While he was away I drowsed myself in watching Pretty Women on TV. It was the nth time I was watching it and somehow it always succeeded in grabbing my attention no matter what. I forgot the count of time. I watched Richard Gere climb up the iron ladder to rescue his love of life, Julia Robert and it stole my heart as usual.

Damn! My son wasn’t home yet? Where has he been? He is never late. Most of the students skipped school because of the final examination preparation that was due on 17th. So I had no clue where to look for him. He had the habit of collecting kites from the terrace that the wind brings in sometimes, so I was hoping he will be home any minute with one or two more kites in hand. But even after five minutes of pushing myself over the balcony railing to have a good glimpse of the road below I had no sign of D. I grew restless and ran down the stairs.

I found D sitting on the stairs just above the ground scribbling something on a piece of paper. He didn’t answer me when I asked what he was up to sitting there. He asked me to wait for him. I joined him and saw what he was doing.

On a small craft paper he was making some designs that looked more like a greeting card. So he was making a card for one of the girls in the colony. I didn’t have to guess who it might be. I had seen him talking about her to B, my husband his father, many often. So I guess he was pretty excited about the whole thing.

I went inside the house again to prepare food for him. Soon he joined me and informed that he wants candle light dinner. I sighed. Then all of a sudden he asked me to stand straight looking at him. I did.

In front of me was a boy with a shy smile on his face almost avoiding my gaze to surprise me. He bent down and touched my feet. Before I could understand what had happened he handed me the hand made greeting card and stood back longingly for my reaction. I opened the card that read in one of the most silly handwriting,

WISH YOU BOTH HAPPY PARENTING ON THIS DAY OF LOVE. LOVE YOU BOTH MOM AND PAPA FOR LOVING ME SO MUCH. I PROMISE TO DO GOOD IN FINAL EXAM. YOUR’S D.

The small note stole my heart. Love can have lots of meaning and one of them is parental love too. And how lovingly my son had chosen this day to declare his love for us.

HAPPY DAY OF LOVE to you all!

 

 

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Love is all about caring.

How much transparency is needed for our Armed forces?

The post first appeared on

http://www.ddsreviews.in/2017/01/Transperency-Armed-Forces.html?spref=fb

#SpecialFeature :: #GuestPost – How much transparency is needed for our Armed forces? by Paromita Goswami

When I wrote the book Grow Up Messy! I mentioned in details about the life of personnel working in Border Security Force. My chest always swells with pride whenever I read the scenes in the book. My father worked in B.S.F and hence I was brought up in that environment. It really helped me in shaping me up as a responsible citizen of my country. I have a special corner in my heart for the people in the armed forces. There was a time when I too wanted to join the uniform cadets however, I was destined to do something else. We will talk about it later.

The recent video of a B.S.F jawan that went viral on the internet and that which has really shaken the faith in the olive and khaki uniforms has really hurt me too. The video was about the quality of the cooked meal supplied to the Jawans at the border. It showed burned Rotis, Dal, without Tadka and all. And in my book, I have a complete chapter how Misry loved the Langar ka Tadka Dal.

Here is the excerpt:

Misry relished food prepared in the langar. First, the food had a manly touch unlike her mother cooking at home, which meant more oil, more spices and “Tadka”. And second, the food was cooked in huge chulha unlike the L.P.G gas cylinder at home and so the food had a different aroma and taste to it.

The Jawans had a special liking for Misry. Her presence and innocent questions reminded them of their children back at home, whom they missed very much. They loved to have her around and treated her like one of their children.

One of the cooks had also made a small bench and table for her to sit and eat with the rest of the platoon. The Head Cook knew about Misry’s love for langar food so he separated a small portion for her and added his special spices to it.

If I have to believe this video then I must say it was never so bad earlier. However, I understand things have changed over the years. The Jawans might be too stressed out defending the peace for our country just as we do while meeting our deadlines. Has life really changed so much? In the Video, Teg Bahadur has blamed his senior officers for selling off the ration that is distributed to them by the government. Can this really happen? Can someone even think of making money in this manner? If it were true then can that person be really termed as a patriot serving the armed forces to serve the nation? I don’t think so.  Such traitors need not be in any armed forces.

Every officer has a big responsibly of motivating his men so that they remain stress-free while standing in the first line of defense.  Every grudge of a Jawan,  no matter how small it maybe, is first dealt with these officers. It is his duty to see that his men are well taken care of unless of course, he is a victim of this bad practice too.

Not all officers are corrupt but those who are, they are really putting the lives of civilians at a big risk. And eventually the security of the country. I have only one question for them –What good is your money earned by corrupt means if the nation does not survive. Of course, India is very strong for this handful of corrupt people for we are the people of the country that has a big history of legends and no one can shake that trust off us be it money or fame.

However,  I do feel there should be more transparency in our armed forces too. With the growing technology, everything is visible now like this viral video. So why not make our procuring system and recruitment in the armed forces more transparent. Let the Jawans know how well they are being treated.

Another Video is of a CRPF Jawan who questions the facilities enjoyed by the paramilitary and the Central Armed police Force. When the risk is same then why not the facility. Let the parameters for selection be the same in both the forces. Earlier, when the Central Armed Police Force was established its main duty of line was restricted to only certain areas just like the B.S.F.

After Chinese aggression in 1962 in India B.S.F was established on 1st December 1965, to safeguard the international land and water borders of the country only. However, over the years their line of duty has changed. The B.S.F personnel is now doing all kinds of other duties besides guarding the international border. So why have their facilities not changed?

My book Grow Up Messy! is dedicated to BSF fathers who crave to watch their child grow.

No child would love to see their father so much in pain due to food condition or due to the lack of facilities. It is at a time when the men working in the forces should be heard.

P.S  To enter the #Giveaway please follow the above mentioned link.

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